number four

i don't want to talk about You like you're not in the room,
wanna look right at You, wanna sing right to You.

to know You for who You are.

today i unsubscribed from about a dozen blog feeds. some dead blogs, some of people i am not allowing myself to stalk anymore in the process of letting go, and some of lives i am not interested in anymore, and some of things that are not important to me anymore, such as daily outfits and gossip.

if anything, being stretched thin financially has trained me to value what is important and what isn't. what i need versus what i want.

and taking this beyond material things, to spend time on what is important and less on what isn't. on what i need versus what i want.

certain things i used to deem commodities like clothes i have to see as luxuries. and i am learning to not complain as much, learning to not resent going from shopping in New arrivals to shopping in Sale sections to shopping in Clearance sections to not shopping at all. and to accept that people who are able to spend on things i cannot does not make them shallow or materialistic. to not pass judgment (too much).

but to appreciate that i have learnt that i KNOW i can survive without these things. i am not unhappy. i KNOW for sure i am cautious with expenditure. i KNOW for sure it makes me sick in my stomach spending beyond my means.

to KNOW i am able to still stand firm and say i trust in my God who will provide. i am not beyond His sight or care. His plans for me are the best possible, beyond the 'best' that i can conceive in my mind for myself. nothing surprises Him, nothing surpasses His control, nothing is beyond His grace. and my faith is stronger than my doubts.

and having the cheeseter here is way better than replacing my entire wardrobe.

too many things to do in one weekend.

busyness increases proportionally to inclination to hide in bed.

too physically tired to be emotionally wrung out.

money issues again.

to those who have more will be given.
to those who do not even that which he has will be taken away.

sometimes it seems my (financial) life is based on that (very skewed) principle.

is it because i don't tithe consciously? but how do you give 10% of a non fixed income. do i keep giving 10% of my monthly balance? 10% of 100, then 10% of that 90% left, then 10% of the.... whatever percentage left?

what about when you have $18.71 left in your everyday account. and $15 in your "high interest (my ass)" account earning .000000001 cents of interest?

God never short changes he just gives in you in loose change for long periods of time?

is this a clear sign to find a flippin job? since what holiday could i really have with less than a dollar to spend a day?

it can't even last a toilet session..

it is in the still hours of the darkness
where i am most at rest
where i am most in distress

.

i feel like i am a 50% black shade of grey. so neutral, yet so affected by what is around. appearing darker when next to white. lighter next to black. cooler next to blues. warmer next to oranges. but by itself, neither dark nor light. neither hot nor cold.

lukewarm.

take my brokenness
make me something beautiful
take my hopelessness
make my rest be in you

how did i get so freaking mediocre