number four

in a way i feel betrayed.

i see how it's easy to assume that i'm okay. i assume the same of myself. i'm aware that my nature to keep thoughts to myself means people assume that i'm unaffected. to the point of being cold.

i also understand that in unfortunate circumstances where unspoken decisions to take sides happen, it's easier for friends to take the side of the one who is outwardly hurting. and that same nature of mine which chooses to deal with hurt internally also means that mutual friends never take my side. because 'friends who know you better than you know yourself, who know how you feel before you speak' don't exist. not if you're the kind who by nature keeps thoughts to yourself, thereby not allowing people to know your thoughts. and i get that.

but sometimes i forget and i start to feel betrayed.

isn't there a close-dear-friends code that says thou shalt warn that the boy you spent two years crushing on and another two years building on what you thought was forever is coming to dinner with a new and better replacement? at least more than ten minutes before said arrival?

does being the wiser one to realise it was better to end things and have the guts to do it not only leave me with the blame but also strip me of the right to be cared for?

then again, this friend also dispensed excellent advice like "if u get a new guy don't flaunt it in front of him" as if i cause hurt intentionally.

and it's sleepless nights like these when my guard betrays me and the cynic in me takes over, questioning the whole concept of love, that it's too much work, too much compromise. before my emotions betray me and tell me maybe i really am the loser in all this, having become such a cynic towards love. why can't i be more gracious and not think things like 'well just wait til he starts judging you with double standards'

it wasn't a 'i want him back' or 'i wish i was her' feeling. it's more of a 'i wish i could so easily share my heart again'.

it's as if in payment for seemingly closing the door on that chapter rather easily, i now find it impossibly difficult to open the door again.