are you setupiak?

SO ANGRY.

I ALREADY PURPOSELY MADE SURE THAT EVERY ONE OF US DOESNT PARK IN FRONT SO THAT WE DONT HAVE TO WAKE UP EARLY MORNING CUZ THE LORI SAMPAH WAS COMING.

GUESS WHO THE MAID WAKES UP EARLY THIS MORNING.

WHY DOES SHE ALWAYS WAKE ME UP.

EFFING ANGRY LA. CUZ IT'S NOT EVEN OUR CARS. WHAT CAN I DO????

FUCKING STUPID CARS.

is it possible to be perfectly balanced? where your strengths fill another's lacks, and vice versa?

if not, would u rather be not good enough, always striving to be better for the other person

or be 'more than i could ever ask for in a partner', which translates into you're too good for me and will always be waiting for me to keep up.

?

stay. watch the sunrise over inaudible words. we'll be okay. stay.

tomorrow the sun will rise and with it a renewed spirit. new mercies. and i am not alone.

dangerously close to the edge. it feels wonderful. the view's good. there is a promise of something beautiful.

but it's not time to fall.
so keep your grip on the ground, feet.

January
. the zon with the family

February
. first round of ward camping

March
. jason mraz concert

April
. noti-nixons came to visit
. moved out of greenavenue
. blew my money on phuket. major regrets

May
. internship w another red wall company

June
. second round of ward camping
. began my final year of uni

July
. mini round of ward camping
. #4's 21st
. kuantan w the family

August
. began my long tops + leggings phase. cuz couldn't fit into any pants/jeans anymore

September
. #42 officially sold. prayers answered.
. removed wisdom teeth

October
. unclepaul lost his battle
. goldie put to sleep

November
. packpackpackpackpack
. jkt w #4 & the father, near death exp at lcct

December
. #1-4 finally reunited. 1 week of crazy lim adventures.
. moved into #47

in a way i feel betrayed.

i see how it's easy to assume that i'm okay. i assume the same of myself. i'm aware that my nature to keep thoughts to myself means people assume that i'm unaffected. to the point of being cold.

i also understand that in unfortunate circumstances where unspoken decisions to take sides happen, it's easier for friends to take the side of the one who is outwardly hurting. and that same nature of mine which chooses to deal with hurt internally also means that mutual friends never take my side. because 'friends who know you better than you know yourself, who know how you feel before you speak' don't exist. not if you're the kind who by nature keeps thoughts to yourself, thereby not allowing people to know your thoughts. and i get that.

but sometimes i forget and i start to feel betrayed.

isn't there a close-dear-friends code that says thou shalt warn that the boy you spent two years crushing on and another two years building on what you thought was forever is coming to dinner with a new and better replacement? at least more than ten minutes before said arrival?

does being the wiser one to realise it was better to end things and have the guts to do it not only leave me with the blame but also strip me of the right to be cared for?

then again, this friend also dispensed excellent advice like "if u get a new guy don't flaunt it in front of him" as if i cause hurt intentionally.

and it's sleepless nights like these when my guard betrays me and the cynic in me takes over, questioning the whole concept of love, that it's too much work, too much compromise. before my emotions betray me and tell me maybe i really am the loser in all this, having become such a cynic towards love. why can't i be more gracious and not think things like 'well just wait til he starts judging you with double standards'

it wasn't a 'i want him back' or 'i wish i was her' feeling. it's more of a 'i wish i could so easily share my heart again'.

it's as if in payment for seemingly closing the door on that chapter rather easily, i now find it impossibly difficult to open the door again.

where do i even begin.
you were our first. the favourite. my furry sister.
you kept me company during the times when i didnt go to school. n cuz i didnt go to school, i didnt have many friends then. and so i'd spend the whole day with you. you humoured me and my imaginary friends. and throughout the year(s) when #1,2,3 were in melb and i was the only child at home. you made me feel less alone.
you helped me get through burney's death. because i kept thinking 'at least it wasn't goldie'. and then through guy's.
i don't know if you felt neglected after the others came into our lives and you werent our only furry sister anymore and you got too old to join in their silly boisterous games.
but you were always the favourite. the smartest. the one who seemed to understand with a human mind.
you were supposed to live forever.

i told you not to die when i'm away.
well technically you didnt. i dont know if given the choice you'd have wanted to wait for me. i would like to think so but i just couldnt justify my selfish reasons knowing you would be suffering.

ok. cannot see alr.