are you setupiak?

money issues again.

to those who have more will be given.
to those who do not even that which he has will be taken away.

sometimes it seems my (financial) life is based on that (very skewed) principle.

is it because i don't tithe consciously? but how do you give 10% of a non fixed income. do i keep giving 10% of my monthly balance? 10% of 100, then 10% of that 90% left, then 10% of the.... whatever percentage left?

what about when you have $18.71 left in your everyday account. and $15 in your "high interest (my ass)" account earning .000000001 cents of interest?

God never short changes he just gives in you in loose change for long periods of time?

is this a clear sign to find a flippin job? since what holiday could i really have with less than a dollar to spend a day?

it can't even last a toilet session..

it is in the still hours of the darkness
where i am most at rest
where i am most in distress

.

i feel like i am a 50% black shade of grey. so neutral, yet so affected by what is around. appearing darker when next to white. lighter next to black. cooler next to blues. warmer next to oranges. but by itself, neither dark nor light. neither hot nor cold.

lukewarm.

take my brokenness
make me something beautiful
take my hopelessness
make my rest be in you

how did i get so freaking mediocre

when you work hard on something, they don't appreciate it.
when you decide that it's not worth doing, they say you're not dependable.
when you have a million other things to do, yet you still do their stuff, and email it to them because that's what they asked to do, the other person accuse you of not doing cuz the other one never check his mail or never pass message.

or they'll ask for something, and then they don't come and collect it.

men are just so clueless.

now i get it when mummy says, "yala, he always say want this want that but he dont see the fine little details, and guess who got to think of those things and prepare them?"

the heart of it all was defiance.

end of part 1.