are you setupiak?

i don't dare admit it, for fear that it might really be true.

so much easier living in denial.

Luke and I are over
Over?
Yeah,
No
Yeah
You guys had a fight
We had THE fight
..
It wasn't just the fight, Sookie. It was him not fighting for me. I gave him an ultimatum and he let me walk away.
..
I'm done. I don't want to see him anymore. It's over.
..
You don't get it. I need it to be over. I need it to be over because I can't take this anymore. Yes I love Luke, yes I wanted to marry Luke. but I didn't want a life separate from Luke and that's all he could give me. And I don't want that. If I want to be with Luke, I want to be with Luke but he didn't get it. And I waited. God I waited. It's like Luke is driving a car okay, and I just want to be in the passenger seat. But he's locked the door, and so I've got to hold on to the bumper, you know, I'm not even asking him to open the door for me, just leave it unlocked and say come in, but no, he didn't do that. so I'm hanging on to the bumper and life goes on, and the car goes on and I get really badly bruised and hitting potholes and it hurts. It hurts. So yesterday I had to let go of the bumper because it hurts too much. It hurts too much.
- Lorelai Gilmore : Gilmore Girls S07E01

the aftermath consists largely of a lighter heaviness but a general overcast of sadness.

i am not a print designer.

i am not a designer.

i am not.

there, i said it. i don't know what i am. even after all these time.

what good is two As and a B+ when in the end i fail at what i'm supposed to be doing best

worked so hard only to be told that it's not even good enough to pass

what's the point?

today marks the longest we've been apart in the past 3 years.

glad we've had all those practice in the years before.

another 12 days to go in this cold weather. happy and sad at the same time.

i don't want to talk about You like you're not in the room,
wanna look right at You, wanna sing right to You.

to know You for who You are.

today i unsubscribed from about a dozen blog feeds. some dead blogs, some of people i am not allowing myself to stalk anymore in the process of letting go, and some of lives i am not interested in anymore, and some of things that are not important to me anymore, such as daily outfits and gossip.

if anything, being stretched thin financially has trained me to value what is important and what isn't. what i need versus what i want.

and taking this beyond material things, to spend time on what is important and less on what isn't. on what i need versus what i want.

certain things i used to deem commodities like clothes i have to see as luxuries. and i am learning to not complain as much, learning to not resent going from shopping in New arrivals to shopping in Sale sections to shopping in Clearance sections to not shopping at all. and to accept that people who are able to spend on things i cannot does not make them shallow or materialistic. to not pass judgment (too much).

but to appreciate that i have learnt that i KNOW i can survive without these things. i am not unhappy. i KNOW for sure i am cautious with expenditure. i KNOW for sure it makes me sick in my stomach spending beyond my means.

to KNOW i am able to still stand firm and say i trust in my God who will provide. i am not beyond His sight or care. His plans for me are the best possible, beyond the 'best' that i can conceive in my mind for myself. nothing surprises Him, nothing surpasses His control, nothing is beyond His grace. and my faith is stronger than my doubts.

and having the cheeseter here is way better than replacing my entire wardrobe.